"2,000 Years Have Passed, but the Battle Has Just Begun."

"The Adventure Continues."

Cory Lee Harris

Parmenion

Boi

Meeka Schiro

James Hong

Bing Shen

Looks like Highlander, sounds like Highlander, smells like Highlander... it must be... Highlander 3! ... er... no actually it's Mortal Conquest! Or the alternatively titled G-2 (that version sporting the tagline "The Adventure Continues"). By this point you're probably thinking "G-2? I don't remember G-1?" Well, no, there was no G-1; it's not a sequel... it's just a title the makers felt sounded cool - and a tagline that therefore makes no sense. So from the instant you read the cover the stupidity begins!

The plot is basically very similar to Highlander's, with a few variations here and there. Instead of immortals, our warriors here are simply reincarnated, yet retain their memories... I think... or get flash-backs, or just dream, or something... actually I could never work it out.

Anyhoo, Daniel plays Steven Colin, a mysterious antique dealer with a strange interest and knowledge of swords (oh boy)... and in his former life he was a personal soldier for Alexander the Great. His mission was to recapture Alexander's sword that was stolen by the Mongols; on his way back, he fought a legion of their soldiers (actually not quite... read on) and in doing so was stabbed like a million times before finally keeling over and giving up the sword. The box reads "he massacred an army of warriors led by the vicious Parmenion" - not in the movie I saw he didn't; more like he got his ass owned by a small gang of thugs in pink pajamas, but hey, whichever way you see it. Oh and just in case at any point throughout the movie you begin to forget that this desperately wants to be Highlander, lots of people explode into cheap lighting effects... for no real reason either. Brilliant.

So fast-forward to the year 2003 and Parmenion (Bloodsport regular, James Hong) is still around and still has the sword (is he immortal or reincarnated too - he never died back in the day and perfectly recalls their ancient history with one another...I presume these guys are also immortal then, just to complicate matters?). Whatever, so he's going around hosting these Bloodsport-style deadly fighting tournaments and attempting to get Colin's attention in order to finish their battle from centuries prior. So again I'm left stumped, since like I said, Colin got his ass absolutely owned and can't even remember who he even was (he thinks his flashbacks are merely dreams), so quite why Parmenion has this need for vengeance is beyond me... he won. 

For some reason Parmenion's plan for vengeance is needlessly excessive; he toys with Colin the entire time and then basically takes him under his wing and gives him all these chances to take the sword, just to make the final battle more satisfying I guess?

So there you go. It's Highlander with a more confusing plot and a smaller budget. The movie is based between both ancient China and New York City. Well ancient China looks more like a cold dying woodland in Vancouver and NYC looks suspiciously like Toronto... and unsurprisingly it turns out that the film was shot in Canada after all. Their illusion of America is further destroyed by the simple fact that the Maple Leaf flag is flowing in the wind during the rooftop scene - nice work. Couldn't they have just set it in Canada? I hardly believe it will have harmed the movie's delicate plot had they simply set it in that cold friendly lump of land to the North.

Ok, as plots go, it's inconsistent, confusing and unoriginal... so how about the actors? Well, James Hong is utterly dreadful. Erase all your fond memories of the Official King of All Things Awesome, Lo Pan (from Big Trouble in Little China); here he spends most of the movie laughing like a witch in his patented nasally cackle, whilst during any other scene he simply hobbles around screaming "AVENGE ME!" until they run out of film reel or I fall asleep, whichever happens first *. Did I mention that James Hong also plays, in a very obvious way, Colin's spiritual sensei as well? So is this ghost meant to be Parmenion too? Were they that short of actors? Couldn't they have made it a little less obvious? I guess we'll never know.

Daniel himself does his best with the script he's got. No cool lines and a needlessly over-dramatic tone to every scene he's in, especially since every scene is more than a little silly - but he does what he can and gets to show off his martial arts talent on both horse-back and hand-to-hand combat. He gets plenty of times to kick some ass, always against someone who deserves to get his ass beat, so that's a bonus point there.

The heroine this time around is foxy police officer, Cory Lee Harris, played by Meeka Schiro... (heh, sounds like 'Siro'), who's a total babe and a reasonable actress. She also gets her boobs out and gets popped by Daniel, so that's freakin' awesome! However, her script (like everyone else's) needs work (to put it lightly); since she has to respond to Daniel's silly lines with even cheesier dumb responses... it's definitely not Shakespeare to be sure... sadly the script-writer often thinks it is. As it turns out, she's re-incarnated too! Couldn't see that one coming. 

Somehow, a princess of undisclosed origin from 2000 years ago (more like 2329 years to be accurate) found herself in China and fell in love with a Greek soldier who was hacked up by a bunch of Mongols.... just happens to the be the cop on the beat in the same district of New York City 2329 years later, on the trail of the same man from the same battle against the same Mongols... only she doesn't know she's reincarnated. Ok - you still following me? 

The movie isn't without some merit however, one character in particular provides enormous rewind-entertainment! Dressed like a reject from Soundgarden and working for the evil Parmenion, an informant is detained by the police and one would instantly think he'd be a hard-ass. Sadly the moment he opens his mouth and he starts to whimper like a girl, all the drama is lost... but he makes for great comedy within the confines of such a dismal picture. No doubt you'll be quoting him for days, to much amusement from your friends and colleagues. Possibly one of the most impressive examples of exceptional miscasting in cinematic history... second only to the entire cast of Predator 2.

The other folks on offer are general Asian hired-goons, who are all weak actors and don't help improve the action in the slightest. They're also blessed with some of the most constantly bizarre facial expressions in any movie, ever. Admittedly they do have the amazing ability to deflect bullets by simply spinning their swords not-particularly fast, but rather than make you think these guys are awesome (like you'd obviously usually think when people deflect bullets with spinning swords... I know I do) they're just infuriatingly annoying... whilst you sit there and stare blankly at the incompetent victims on TV. These are the same Mongols in both Colin's flashbacks as well as Parmenion's current posse - so you get to thoroughly loathe them for the whole movie! Hurrah!

Oh and these flashbacks enjoy making their presence noted... not content with just a few opportune moments... they explode on screen with no warning and no value at any opportunity! The scene could focus on an unnamed extra quietly enjoying the delicious sugary goodness contained within a Rowntree's Fruit Pastille and BOOM the flashbacks explode on screen like an epileptic seizure!

And the ending sucks.

So there ya go, it's awful... even worse than Future War. Did I just write that? I'm afraid so. At least Future War was pure 'anti-tainment'; so bad it's good... this is just plain boring, unexciting and confusing. It seems to last longer than a back-to-back showing of the extended Lord of the Rings Trilogy, and it claims to be only 90 minutes! G-2: Mortal Conquest is about as pleasurable as a root-canal, however those never seem to last as long as this... "2,000 years have passed, but the movie has just begun." 

* Unfortunately I'm not being witty either, I honestly fell asleep through two consecutive attempts to watch this movie, it wasn't until the third time that I finally saw it all-the-way through. After which I wished I'd been asleep instead.